December 18, 2011

Apathetic GoTB

I have recently been bad about posting. It seems I have been taken over by two (not unfamiliar) monsters; apathy and depression. Depression is something I have struggled with for a long time. And typically I do just that; I struggle. I kick and scream and cry and rage against this force. I battle it with meditation, phone calls, friends, family, art, music, love, coffee, sunshine, exercise, tea, Buddhism, and a plethora of other things too numerous to count. I struggle to find some ray of hope and sunshine to cling to. Most times I find success just in the struggle itself. I may be depressed, but at least I am fighting.

Other times, Depression's blank friend Apathy decides to join, and that is when things become... less hopeful. Typically it goes like this. Depression ----> notice depression ----> meditate (paint, read ect) ----> feel a little better ----> repeat. However, once Apathy joins the party a whole other cycle starts. Depression ----> notice depression ----> don't care ----> more depression ----> don't care ----> ∞. That's the dangerous thing about it; not caring about not caring. And nothing gets done. My experience is in no way unique. Of all the research I have read about depression, apathy is common in many cases. So how do we pull ourselves out of that? Do we rely on other's to make us feel better? Soldier on and try to push through it? What do you do to motivate yourself?

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